Broken Bridge…

The earsplitting music playing, the loud cheer from the crowd, and the gaiety of the moment were not enough to conceal what I was feeling.  I miss him.  I see him everywhere.  I feel him in just about anything.  He wakes me up in the middle of the night.  His memories haunt me.  I miss him.

Someone like you by Adele was playing while I was trying to force my languid flesh to arise.  I don’t want to wake up.  I just want to lie on my bed even just for a day.  Sober now yet my heart ain’t.  I want to nurture the throbbing of a solitary heart and be engulfed with the pain until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Friends question the depth of such pain.  The effect is mind-boggling to friends considering that it was what one can consider a fresh bond.  Yes, time is essential for a relationship to last, but what kind?  If time is the end-all, why do ties fail?

I believe in halfways.  I believe that a relationship has to be an equal opportunity for each one to exert effort to make it whole.  I don’t believe in the concept of having a right person to have a right relationship.  I believe that two imperfect people decide to be in an imperfect relationship and meet halfway to make the right one.

The resilient longing is undeniable but we live in a time where strength is calculated as denying one’s weakness.  Reality – hard to deal with as-a-matter-of-fact situations. Some acceptable.  Some not.  How one sees it, seize and deals with it depends on what matters most to a person.  Essence.

I know I will be fine.  I have to be.  Giving up what I believed to be a good thing may break me into pieces again.  Not crossing the bridge was an intricate decision but inevitable because I know I’d be crossing it halfway alone.

 

Until then, I will have to brave my way to the unknown with fervor that good things will come.  I rest.

My heart’s sweet longing..

        How do you get to regain your ability to trust someone when it’s been broken over and over again since time immemorial?  One thing, you can never letyour present pay up for your past.

                Over time, I have now come to a point where nothing is ever nothing.  Every little thing counts.  Every little thing is given value, minute or gargantuan.  I believe one comes to this point when he’s come to the crossroad of life.  A standpoint.  One tends to be careful about who to let in or let go in life.  The tendency to build a safe refuge for one’s self becomes even greater.  I have.

Getting involved in a serious relationship takes a whole lot than just a piece of the cake.  Respect, loyalty, honesty, and trust amongst others are vital ingredients for sustaining such.  Love, yes encompasses everything, but the lack of one pre-mentioned can definitely put love in a daze.  Relationships, in any form, are as complicated as it gets, especially when human emotions set in.  Obvious enough from what the root word itself, relate is never a one-way activity.

At a crossroad I am again.  Trust.  This has become one of my ordeals nowadays.  I have something good, I know.  I may not be guaranteed of forever, but what is forever anyways? It is just a frame of time. My forever can be only until tomorrow or ten years from now or stops when I stop breathing.  Nonetheless, I consciously want to dig up that old self of mine: trusting and a risk-taker.  Due to excessive bashings of my given trust, bruised and calloused, I have at one time started to build walls instead of bridges.  As time went by, I never realized that it has become a monument.  I know I am a giving person.  I was. I never expected my partner to give more than what I can give. I was very patient.  Until one day, when that trust was smashed on my face with so hard an impact, I wasn’t able to breathe anymore.  I died. By the ticking of clock, I submerged into the muddle of doubts, depression, self-pity.  And I have been so gulped up by this chuckhole because I am now in such a dilemma.  I want to get out not only to keep what I have now, but to iron out what in life I have left with creases.  No, I don’t intend to get back to where I was.  No, I never wanted to be there anymore.  But I want to pick up where I have left so I won’t mess up what I have now.  Not because I want to make this perfect, but to make me myself again.  I want to be that person again and better: trusting, forgiving and giving, all for my loved one’s sakes, especially mine.

I can only trust in the ushers of goodness from my heart and believe that with strong conviction, driven by faith in Him above, I will be able to surpass this, just as I always have.

I now look forward to the day when I’d scribble about how painstakingly sweet this journey had been.

My heart’s sweetest longing.

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