Broken Bridge…

The earsplitting music playing, the loud cheer from the crowd, and the gaiety of the moment were not enough to conceal what I was feeling.  I miss him.  I see him everywhere.  I feel him in just about anything.  He wakes me up in the middle of the night.  His memories haunt me.  I miss him.

Someone like you by Adele was playing while I was trying to force my languid flesh to arise.  I don’t want to wake up.  I just want to lie on my bed even just for a day.  Sober now yet my heart ain’t.  I want to nurture the throbbing of a solitary heart and be engulfed with the pain until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Friends question the depth of such pain.  The effect is mind-boggling to friends considering that it was what one can consider a fresh bond.  Yes, time is essential for a relationship to last, but what kind?  If time is the end-all, why do ties fail?

I believe in halfways.  I believe that a relationship has to be an equal opportunity for each one to exert effort to make it whole.  I don’t believe in the concept of having a right person to have a right relationship.  I believe that two imperfect people decide to be in an imperfect relationship and meet halfway to make the right one.

The resilient longing is undeniable but we live in a time where strength is calculated as denying one’s weakness.  Reality – hard to deal with as-a-matter-of-fact situations. Some acceptable.  Some not.  How one sees it, seize and deals with it depends on what matters most to a person.  Essence.

I know I will be fine.  I have to be.  Giving up what I believed to be a good thing may break me into pieces again.  Not crossing the bridge was an intricate decision but inevitable because I know I’d be crossing it halfway alone.

 

Until then, I will have to brave my way to the unknown with fervor that good things will come.  I rest.

Eternally Grateful…

           I know that words will never be enough to thank the people who did not just fail to remember, but people who made my 38th birthday memorable.

          I know what I am and I know what I need from what I want.  My friend Shirley actually coined the term “pasahero” to describe me because I seem to believe every single word that comes out from a human being’s mouth.  Oh well actually, she’s a bit wrong, it doesn’t only SEEM, I am.  Hahaha!  Oh well, I always believe in every word that comes out from another’s mouth.  I believe that everything comes from the heart.  When you’re mad, you say a lot of things that you regret every so often.  When you’re happy, you seem to affect everyone around you.  Your joy radiates and infects.  When you’re sad, you stay mum, yet words aren’t often spoken, they are also felt.   But where is this leading to? Gosh, I’ve totally forgotten what to say!

Reminiscing days past, I never had any inkling to celebrate my birthday. It was these friends of mine (Shirley, Jonah and Maria) who made it all possible.  And I thought, how could they do this for me? I matter.  That alone, the staging of the whole scene, the eagerness to celebrate life, the exuberant joy displayed  and more, were more than enough for me.  They spent more or loss sleepless nights and they spent more than I could ask for.  And I know, I will never be able to repay these gestures.  Take aside the monetary consideration, it is the effort, the time, the concern and/or concern for an individual which lures you to go beyond expectations. 

I had doubts about how it would turn out to be. Oh I know the food will be great and the repertoire will be excellent.  It was whether I’d be ready or up to it.  I was just mending a wasted heart.  Actually, when they were talking about it, I was not that eager though I really tried not to put down their spirits.  After all, it was for my sake that they’re going to do it.  I was sleeping less than two hours, no appetite, carrying terrible headaches, stomach pains, etc etc.  I even sought the help of a pain reliever just to be able to close my eyes and let my brain rest even for just an hour or two.  But that too I had to stop taking because I learned about the after-effects.  Well, the Lord, who is All gracious and giving, slowly mended me.  Oh I still sometimes feel the pain, but it doesn’t linger any longer than before. Then before I knew  it, I was okay.  Not A-Ok, but fine and joyful. 

When “the” day came, I was so involved that I forgot I was never that much into it in the first place.  I know the Lord worked His wonders again, and He gave me these people who helped me every inch of the way, and still are.  I was joined by other new-found friends too.  I may have lost a gold, but what would I do with one if I’ve gained diamonds?

My day could have never been complete if I had not also received the warm messages of family and friends.  From fb to emails to sms, I know that they meant it because the people I keep and know are real individuals.  I don’t keep count, I value the count.

And so, late this may be, please allow me to say to each and everyone who remembered me on my birthday - THANK YOU.  This may never be enough, but believe me when I say, I don’t forget.  I may not be able to repay you for your kindness, but allow me to say a little prayer of request — that the Lord Above grant you the wishes of your hearts as you have granted mine.

Eternally grateful, I am.

 

 

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